Welcome readers!
Today, the spotlight is on Samantha Swope. She shares her story with us, and I can be the first to say, it is very touching and inspiring. I loved it and I definitely shed a few tears. Thank you Samantha for sharing your life with us and your perspective. It was such a pleasure to read and I'm sure it will be for many others as well!
Hey! My name is Samantha Swope.
When I read Monica's first post I had to actually sit down and think about my dreams. The last three years have been a chaotic whirlwind and I haven't had much time to reflect back to my goals. Or how much they have changed. When I was little I had tons of misguided goals.
-I wanted to travel, see the entire world alone.
-I wanted to live in the country on a huge piece of land so I could have as many dogs as I want. (there is a video of four year old me saying that, I am not making it up!)
-I wanted to be a writer. But I had no clue what so ever what I wanted to write about.
-I wanted to be independent. I did not want to get married or be in any relationship of any kind. And I never wanted to have kids.
In my experience dreams are governed by fear. My past dreams were all spurred by fear. (except maybe the dog one I LOVE MY DOGS.) I did not have the best examples as far as parents go. Growing up I watched my parents divorce remarry divorce remarry like it was a twisted little game that ended with my Mother marrying a very abusive man and my Father becoming more of a friend than a Dad. In many ways I raised myself and it obviously left me with a TON of issues. Mostly I have difficulty trusting people. Which leads to having difficulty connecting with people. In high school I developed two different sides of myself. At school I was peppy and happy and I never shut up. At home I was mute. I wanted desperately to pretend that I had a normal home life and more than anything I did not want to be pitied. I was just completely terrified of letting anyone really get to know me. Because everyone who was supposed to love and nurture me as a child hurt me or abandoned me.
In high school I started going to church with a friend that I would prefer not to name. Through her and her amazing family God touched my heart and opened my eyes. Her family was so different from mine. So different from everything I had ever known. For the first time I realized that how I was raised was not in any way normal or okay. It wasn't easy or fast. I still struggle with trust and fear. But I have amazing people in my life that help me grow and improve. And of course my faith in God and His plan grows every single day.
My now husband then best friend Joey played a major role. We met on our very first day of high school. We were instant friends. And he was the only person that for some reason I couldn't help but trust. The only problem was he wouldn't stop asking me on dates! I did not want to be serious with anyone. Oh no that would completely destroy my plans of graduating high school turning 18 and then jumping on the first flight to anywhere but here. Silly I know but that was the plan. Joey knew that but still he never gave up. He would call me, text me, walk me to class, basically stalk me and even when I was flat out mean, he saw right through me. This went on for almost three years. He just continued to shower me with love and affection. He was constantly there for me. And even though I never told him he always knew when something was happening at home. He became my rock. And senior year with graduation right around the corner, He began to get desperate. I began to realize that he needed me as badly as I needed him. That scared me most of all. I had never been good enough for anyone! How could I possibly be good enough for him? I began to shut down and push him away all over again and this time I could see how much it hurt him. I had almost completely pushed him away I said all the hurtful things that I knew would make him hate me because I was afraid of him. And it almost worked.
Then I had a dream. (I know that this is going to sound ridiculous but this is what happened so bear with me) Joey had already enlisted into the United States Marine Corps, he was scheduled to ship out right after our graduation. March 6th there was a big Arizona thunder storm all night. And that night I had the most vivid dream. I still to this day remember every detail like i'm reliving it. Joey was in camo walking around in a desert village. Just like all the movies you've seen of the current war. He was not alone but all I saw was him. I could see his eyes and the expression on his face was so wrong. He looked empty and broken. I tried to talk to him but the words came out as silence. Suddenly his head jerked up and his empty eyes met mine. Then the entire road he was standing on blew up. I felt like my skin was burning and little shards of glass were eating into my core. I felt myself screaming but I could only hear a weird whistle. Suddenly I was sitting down in a hotel (still dreaming) there was a letter on the bed and I remember seeing his hand writing and ripping it open. The first line read "To my Sammie, I will love you until the day I die. Even if you never loved me." I woke up soaked in sweat. My hands were bleeding from where my nails dug into them. I know it sounds completely crazy and stupid but I believe it was God showing me that I had to change. That if I let him leave like this I would regret it for the rest of my life. I changed. My heart changed. And all at once everything was different. Obviously I ended up telling Joey exactly how I felt and apologizing for the awful things I said. But I won't bore you with any more of our story.
Looking back at my childhood I only see how God was shaping me for my future. I'm a FIRM believer that God sends you challenges to make you strong enough to walk the path He has laid out for you. But just as He sends you challenges He sends you gifts to survive them. My life is extremely blessed and I am SO thankful for all of the gifts He has given me.
Now looking to my future I have very different dreams.
- I want to continue to build my relationship with Christ.
- I want to continue to work through my trust issues and grow into a kinder more accepting person. I've learned that though marriage is a wonderful blessing it has an odd way of making you face your flaws and do something about them!
- I want more than anything to be the very best wife I possibly can be. Because Joey deserves the best wife ever.
- I want to be a Mommy. And not just a mom but the best Mom anyone could have. We want to raise children with a strong relationship with Christ. We want to raise strong conservatives to pass on our values. And I want our kids to know that no matter what they are loved and perfect. I want them to have the family and childhood that I did not have. I know that it is impossible to be the perfect anything. BUT I will do everything I possibly can to be the most perfect Mother. Though I already know Joey will be an AMAZING Dad!
- I still want to write. And I'm still not sure exactly what I want to write about. I've been approached by an editor who is interested in a fictional story based on my life. But I'm not at this point ready to share that piece of me. Maybe someday.
- I still may someday have an insane number of dogs. Joey is even more of an animal lover than me! Right now we have two that are absolutely our babies.
- I still want to travel as much as I can. But now I cannot imagine going anywhere without my wonderful partner in crime!
Like this post? Want to share your own life story, goals, and dreams? Comments, desires, or questions? Email the Ship Set Sail Blog at shipsetsailblog@gmail.com. It doesn't matter if you know me (Monica), or not. I would love to share it with others and to read it myself. I believe our dreams seem achievable when we hear others achieving theirs!
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